Dear Pope Francis I,
My name is Neil Buzzworth. I am a digital marketer with a proven track record of helping world-class organizations reach their sales goals and company objectives. And I’d like to think I can help Your Holiness too.
As a marketing professional, I may serve the Devil. But I assure you that I would be honored to work on a retainer basis with anyone backed by the outstanding reputation and credit of the Catholic Church.
I understand that you face a daunting challenge in your new role. Centuries ago, attracting a new generation of dedicated followers was as easy as launching an Inquisition. But now, people are just a mouse-click away from learning about all the world’s faiths and choosing their own path — or forgoing religion altogether.
Today, the traditional approach of sermonizing in Latin and waving at followers while half-asleep in a puttering Popemobile no longer works. You need to galvanize internal stakeholders, global media, and potential flock members on their terms by engaging them through their preferred digital communication channels.
To help you in this effort, I have developed a complete social media plan that will help you win hearts and save souls while also generating clicks, likes, shares and follows. As an introduction, here is a sampling of ten key tactics you should use, which I devised using my proprietary BrainStorm MeTHOD™:
1. Launch a Twitter account. Use it to engage followers by commenting on cultural events and revealing which celebrities are going to Hell.
2. Build your social media presence by offering a digital coupon for a free foot washing to everyone who “Likes” your Facebook page.
3. Hold monthly online chats with the press. Always start the Q&A with a lighthearted joke, such as “I’m Pope Francis and yes, I’m still a virgin. Next question?”
4. Attack child-molestation scandals before they happen by launching a comprehensive digital education campaign for priests called Kids Aren’t Sexy.
5. Gain traction with fashion bloggers by constantly debuting new Papal vestments. Occasionally remove your miter to reveal a buzz-worthy new hairdo (Michelle Obama bangs, Honey Badger faux hawk, Phil Spector murder-trial afro, etc.). Pin it all on Pinterest.
6. Share your holiest views on a new weekly podcast called The Pontiff Riffs. End each episode with a signature catchphrase, such as “I’m all Poped out! Until next time, goodbye and God bless!”
7. Launch a quirky online video game called Super Condom Destroyer — think Space Invaders with a Popemobile instead of a spaceship and flying contraceptives instead of aliens. This will engage a younger demographic while reinforcing your anti-birth control stance.
8. Give an unexpected, highly choreographed rendition of a beloved hip-hop classic such as DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat” during mass. Then go viral by having one of your Cardinals “leak” the video.
9. Build on the St. Francis of Assisi friend-of-the-animals angle by adopting a dog. Then post grainy handheld footage, shot by A-list commercial directors, of it performing adorable miracles on Facebook.
10. Create a self-deprecating YouTube channel called EPIC FALLIBILITY where you share some of your funniest bloopers.
By employing powerful social media tactics like these, you are sure to attract new fans and earn kudos from your immediate supervisor Jesus. In the process, your organization can beat out Allah, Buddha, Ganesh, L. Ron Hubbard and other competitors by capturing eternal souls through effective digital communications.
If you are interested in learning more about my services and offering me an immediate contract, you can reach me at digitalbuzz@socialmediasolutions.com. Thank you for your time and consideration. And best of luck to you in your new role!
Warmest regards,
Neil Buzzworth
Marketing Professional